This will be one of the most important things I do in my life, and that is to share my story. I think it’s so important I share what I went through because there are people out there going through similar situations and they need to know they're not alone. People need to hear the truth about life. People also need to know how they can help themselves after going through catastrophic events. If I can do it so can you.
It’s also important for people to understand as I dealt with the challenges that were presented to me I was happier than I had ever been. It is the phantom force of nothingness where true happiness lies.. More on this later.
So here I am a little girl with all the wonder in the world thinking my life was very normal. Growing up it was just my mom and I. I had no brothers or sisters that I knew of, and my father was not involved in life. The family that I had was all on my mom’s side. Since my mom was a single parent my grandparents were very involved in my life, they helped my mom and I out a lot.
My life began to change in 2010. (The significant events in my life were in synchronicity with the energy shifts of the magnetic grid. The years are very important, as I will link them to the astrological events around the planet in another post.) I had just started university at this time so my life was consumed with studying. In 2010 my grandma was diagnosed with dementia. My grandfather was by her side 24-7 and my mom was there to help out on the weekends. In early 2011 my grandfather couldn't get off the couch so my mom took him to the hospital. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a week later on March 13, 2011 (this was the first sign of the precession in energy). I was 19 and this was also my first initiation.
Never in my life had I seen my mom cry tears until this day. My mom was a very strong woman, almost too strong to be exact. Too strong in the way that she never released the emotions she was holding onto. From what I understand now we want to feel our emotions not hold them in. To show emotion is the ultimate form of vulnerability. When we honour how we feel we allow ourselves to move forward and accept the situation for what it is.
From here my mom looked after my grandma. She was put into a home but my mom was by her side as much as she could be, as well as the rest of the family. After a long fight with dementia we lost my grandma just over a year later on March 19, 2012 (This was the precession to the shift in energy). I was 20 and this was my second initiation. This literally broke my mom. This broke me and this broke our family. Everything happened so suddenly, so quickly with little time to process what had happened, and this wasn't the end.
After my grandfather passed away my mom and the family worked on cleaning out my grandparents house which was a feat in itself. About 4 months after my grandma passed and dealing with their house was complete my mom finally had sometime to focus on herself again. I remember this as clear as day, my mom and I were on the deck in my backyard painting our toes and drinking coffee. She turns to me and says, "Vanesa I feel pregnant even though I know I'm not," as she rubbed her lower belly. I responded, "You better get that checked out, Mom."
My mom did get that checked out and to our complete surprise it was stage 4 ovarian cancer. No one could believe this. For the next 11 months my mom fought for her life. She received chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She turned to a naturopath and purchased special drops. Unfortunately, nothing worked for her.
I believe none of these treatments worked because they didn't get to the root cause of the issue. I believe the root cause was long standing held emotion.
I’ve come to understand that negative occurrences and disease in life come from emotions that are trapped inside of us. These trapped emotions mirror our entire life. When we experience trauma in it’s most significant or insignificant form we feel emotion. When situations happen that we don’t know how to deal with more often then not we choose to stuff down the emotions instead of feel them in the moment.
We’ve never been taught how to deal with our emotions and this is what I want to teach you through my blog as I tell you my story.
It has been ingrained in us to not show or feel emotion and I’m telling you this is wrong. The body has no other option but to store these emotions if we can’t release them. When the body holds space for these emotions it changes the frequency of the cells around it, lowering the overall frequency of the body and its DNA (overtime). From this place you vibrate at a lower frequency because you’re holding lower frequency emotions inside of you. First the emotions create a barrier of not being able to move forward in that particular area of life. Further more if the emotion is stuffed down long enough it’ll manifest into dis-ease. This is how my mothers long standing unresolved emotions formed into cancer.
If the emotion is not released from the DNA any offspring with the same DNA will carry the same emotion or frequency. This is how disease runs in family lines. The offspring will relive the same experiences the parent did because the root cause of the emotion has not been dealt with.
Fast forward to the second week of May 2013. I had just finished University for the year and started to work more hours at my part time job. When we admitted my mom to the unit I informed my employer I had to quit because I need to spend as much time as I could with my mom. My mom had become very weak and lost a lot of weight because the cancer was spreading. She was now on breathing assistance and it became harder and harder to look after her without help. My uncle came and we took her to the palliative care ward at the Grey Nuns Hospital. This is where people go before they pass.
For the next four weeks I spent everyday with her not realizing what was actually happening. It was almost if my mind couldn't and wouldn't let me comprehend the situation. I adjusted to the changes not really processing them and went through the motions of what seemed like my ever-changing life.
It was the evening of June 12 and I was returning to the hospital to spend time with my mom when things took a turn for the worse. My mom was very weak but distraught and restless when I arrived to see her. She explained to me how she was in more pain than before so the nurses had upped her dosage of morphine. She told me they had given her way more than she needed and she didn't feel in control anymore. If there was one person who always had control of herself that person was my mom.
I'd like to explain a bit about my mom. She was the most selfless person I've ever met and put everyone else before herself, especially me. She loved her family more than anything because they were always there for her. She was also the most organized person I've every met, filing and labelling every receipt she ever received. She always had many jobs, one full-time, one part-time and her own side business. My moms life was not easy, she was a single parent with many jobs raising me. Jobs were how she kept her mind busy, which eventually worked to her demise. Demise in the way that she kept herself so busy that she didn’t have time to reflect on her life or digest any emotions she was holding onto. It was her way of hiding her emotions. If she was working all the time she wouldn’t have time to connect with herself to see how she was really feeling.
When I spoke with the nurses they told me the increase in her morphine dosage was necessary for where her pain was at and where they predicted it was heading. They also told me that tomorrow the doctor who was taking care of my mom wanted to speak to me. I still was completely oblivious to what was coming. I returned to the room and informed my mom what the nurses told me. The most I could do was comfort her and calm her down as she fell asleep.
When I returned the next morning things had gotten worse. She was even more distraught and restless, as they had upped her dosage again. My mom intuitively knew what was happening and was in fear. I was called into another room as I was scheduled to speak to the doctor. She told me that the cancer had continued to spread and had reached her lungs. Now because my grandfather had died of lung cancer I had an idea of what was coming. The doctor explained she was on the last part of her journey and that she didn't expect my mom would make it to the next morning. After making my family and friends aware of this people came from all over to come visit her during her last hours. Up until this point I hadn't gotten upset or shed a tear. To my own demise I was my mother's daughter.
By the afternoon of Wednesday June 13 my mom was on enough morphine that she was no longer communicating and laying somewhat peacefully in the hospital bed. People started to arrive to say their goodbyes and to see her alive one last time. At this point people couldn't hold back tears and neither could I. I needed this. I needed to start crying.
At this point it had been quite a while since my mom made any sort of movement and I really wasn't sure if I would ever see her move or talk again. My mother's aunt and daughter were able to drive down that day from out of town to pay their respect to her and they were magically rewarded, as were we all. As they walked up to her bedside they spoke to her, they told her who they were and why they'd come. At this moment my mom shot straight up and opened her eyes for a few seconds acknowledging them before slowly laying back down and closing her eyes for the last time. In all of the pain and discomfort my mother found the strength to acknowledge these two beautiful souls for traveling from far to come see her. This was a very special moment and I will always cherish it.
At this point my mom was still there, sleeping but still holding onto life. After everyone had came and gone, only my eldest cousin and I remained with her at the hospital. She stayed with my mom and I that night. There was something I had heard about people that were dying. They never wanted to die around other people, meaning they usually would go when everyone had left the room. In other words my mom wasn't going to go with me sleeping beside her. I slept in her hospital bed with her knowing this could be the last night I ever would spend with her. My mom pulled through until Thursday morning June 14, 2013.
It was about 9am and my neighbour had come back to visit again as my mom was still holding on. I got out of her bed to brush my teeth because my neighbour was now standing at her bedside. According to my neighbour her colour started to fade so she yelled at us to come back to the bedside. This was the first sign of her spirit leaving her body. Then I literally saw white air like smoke leave her body as the three of us stood around her bed. We watched her chest rise and fall 5 last times before there was complete stillness. As her lifeless body began to tighten my neighbour showed me how to adjust her face for the casket. Her husband had passed so she knew what to do. We cried a bit and said our goodbyes.
My mom, Patricia “Laurie” Flynn passed away at 9:15am on Thursday June 14, 2013. I was 21 and this was my third initiation in three years, 2011, 2012 and now 2013.
Not only did my mom have her own unhealed emotions, she also carried my grandmother’s, and everyone who came before her. When my grandmother was 14 she lost her mom to cancer. During that time I know my grandmother had very few people to turn to for help as she lived on a farm with her dad and two brothers. One can assume my grandma didn't deal with all of the emotions surrounding this situation and so they were stored and passed on in the DNA. Not only did I loose my mom to long standing held emotion, my grandmothers life and emotions were also replaying before my eyes. Patterns in family lines repeat themselves until someone deals with the emotion. When you clear the emotion from the DNA you heal that emotion 7 generations back and 7 generations forward. So any new offspring coming in will not have to deal with the emotions of the past. And that’s been my life work for the past 6 years.
About 5 months after my mom passed I had the hardest break of all the breaks. I'd been in a relationship for the past 3 years through all my heartaches and the worst was coming. This man I was in a relationship with was my first, true, dependent love. I say dependent love because I loved him more than I loved myself. I looked to the relationship to fulfil my need for love in my life and not myself. I've come to understand now loving myself first comes before anyone else. When I fulfil my needs I can then love someone without expectations or dependency.
Things were not working for us, he broke things off in early November 2013 and I was a complete disaster. I remember feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. This in fact this is very true. When we're in a relationship with someone there is an energetic cord that connects the heart of each soul to one another. When one pulls their cord back the other one feels it big time.
My last and final break of 2013 was saying goodbye to my cat Tabbi. Tabbi had been a part of my family since I was in grade 5 (2001). Tabbi made me feel safe when I was home alone since my family was gone and my boyfriend wasn't coming around anymore, she was all I had left. She started to have bladder problems when my mom got sick and the symptoms kept escalating. At the beginning of December 2013 I had to make a heartbreaking choice and put her down. She was the last thing I relied on to keep me safe and feel some sort of love.
I was so scared and so alone. Everyone and everything that had loved me left me.
Now I've come to understand this was all for my highest good. The lessons I would learn over the next 6 years would become invaluable to my growth.