I want to share my experience from medication (alcohol) to meditation. I want to make it clear I don’t judge others who drink for they’re living a life I don’t fully understand. I just want to shine light on what I’ve come to understand and how it has helped me on my journey.
So like most people I use to like to party. My friends and I started drinking in grade 7 and it just continued from there. Pretty much every weekend from the age of 13 to 25 I went out drinking if I wasn’t working or playing sports.
Alcohol and I didn’t have a good relationship from day one. Most of the time when I’d drink I’d end up angry and really depressed. At the time I had no idea why. Someone or something would set me off and my anger issues would come out. Of course the next day was even worse for me. I would hear about all the things I said and did, most of the time having no recollection of it at all. This would spiral me into depression and self hate. I understand now that I would release my suppressed emotions that were either conscious or unconscious when I was drinking. I didn’t know how to handle the anger that I was feeling so I would dish it out on people I loved because I didn’t know how to handle it myself. I expected my loved ones and friends to understand and deal with my emotions when I was drunk. I expected them to solve my problems when this was no one else’s responsibility but my own. I was never taught how to deal with my emotions so unfortunately when I drank alcohol that became one of my outlets. This outlet was a dead end and only prolonged my pain of the unknown anger and other emotions within me.
Now I understand that my suppressed anger came from never having a father figure in my life and not being wanted since the point of my conception. This is the ultimate form of betrayal.
Now can you understand why the world is so angry?!
(I’ll expand in great depth about my father wound in another post.)
So on top of acting out my suppressed emotion, I still had to deal with the actual hangover. For me this was another level of agony. I’m talking puking and sleeping all day. I’d go from the washroom, to my bed, to the washroom, and back to my bed most of the day for hours. I understand now I have an intolerance to most alcohol. This would make me even more depressed because I couldn’t function. These days I was literally trapped inside my mind with self-sabotaging thoughts unable to move from my bed. It felt like prison.
I think a lot of people can relate to me here. Alcohol is medicine for many. It’s medicine in the way people that rely on it to make them happy, solve their problems, and keep them from truly facing their reality. Alcohol feeds stress and emotions keeping them at bay but only while you’re in control. This goes for substances as well. The moment you’re not in control (ie. Have had one too many drinks) any emotion you’re suppressing can come out and show itself. Unsaid words and thoughts can come out along with any emotion positive or negative. They’re called “Spirits” for a reason.
It wasn’t until the end of January 2017 when I finally got the hang of meditating. After this I really limited my consumption and started to withdraw from going out. I became very aware that at my core it didn’t make me feel good. I started to retract from experiences that were unfulfilling and participated in things that were more fulfilling to me. This was really my first act of loving myself. I went from self-sabotaging to self-loving with meditation.
I haven’t cut out alcohol completely but I do drink very seldom. The whole point of the human experience is to use our senses so why not experience a couple drinks every now and then. The difference now is I don’t need alcohol to make me happy or suppress my emotions; I can just enjoy it for what it is through my senses.
I could finally feel nothing, no one, no body and no time. This was life changing. And then came the tears. The moment meditation came to me I began to cry. Meditation has many stages which ill touch on over time. In the beginning meditation is a form of release, it’s an outlet for emotions. I had so many suppressed emotions that for the first year I honed in on my meditation I cried almost every time. After a good cry I would always feel this great sense of relief and happiness. Even to this day if there’s something that needs to be released my meditation takes care of it. Please note I’d been through severe traumas and that’s why my crying was so frequent during my practice. Everyone’s experience is extremely individual. This is the very reason why we shouldn’t judge another because their story is something we don’t understand. Some days I knew where those tears were coming from and some days I didn’t. I didn’t matter though because what was most important was that I was releasing whatever emotions were inside of me.
When I started giving myself the attention I deserved through meditation I became fulfilled very quickly. Meditation is purely an act of self-love. When you set aside time to connect with yourself and your feelings you experience true love.
Medication and addiction to me are the same. We all medicate ourselves through different avenues in order to get through life. Where you choose to place your attention is what will grow for you. We can raise the bar or we can continue on the path. No choice is wrong but know you have one.